Week 39: Employed Moms

I have discussed this before, but it is crawling all over my skin and giving me the urge to scream erratic and unhelpful retaliation. So I will lay it here. Today a woman who will remain nameless (and I will describe by saying that we have no personal relationship, a slight professional relationship and she is not one of my clients) was the source of another working-mom comment for me to add to my stash.

First of all, I was on the phone when she walked up and stood at my office door. No, I was not speaking to one of you. I was speaking to a client's parent and the conversation was confidential. I tried to communicate "Walk away, lady!" with my eyes, but to no avail. I turned to face the wall until the phone call ended. I believe the woman came simply to gawk at my belly, but guised it in, "Oh, how exciting, congratulations ... blah blah blah." (Note to all: If you just want to see how much weight I've gained, just stare at me and move on after a moment, you aren't obligated to make conversation.) She went on to say how happy she was that she was at home when her children were young and how much she would have missed spending all of those years with them. "I'm so glad I didn't wo--, well, I'm glad I was home. You know, you just don't get those years back."

I knew she was trying to say, "Quit your job." I am very good at deciphering this message as I have seen costumed in many languages, dialects and tones during the past nine months. Nobody says it straight, but it is clear. Eventually I was able to nod-and-smile her out of my office.

I feel no need to justify the reasons that I want to be an employed mom, but they are real and they are valid. What I find infuriating is that not one person has asked Dave why he is not going to quit his job to be at home with the baby. No one has made sly comments to him that compare his desire to have a successful career to his desire to be a good father. I know the reasons are rooted in the traditions and culture of America and Europe, but there is a tribe in South America in which the women hunt and gather and the men stay home to take care of the house and babies and are considered sensitive and emotional. I believe that puts a wrench in the theory that women are created to be homemakers. I do not live in that South American tribe, however. As an employed mom I will simply have to learn to strain out the thoughtless comments.

I think that people impose their opinions on others in every part of parenting. It seems like people welcome themselves to intrude on this part of their friend's, coworker's and stranger's lives. What makes this an okay thing to be bossy about?

That is all I will vent for the moment. And breathe, two, three, four. In closing, I would like to add a sincere thank you to my friends who have been supportive (or at least silent) about my decision to work. I appreciate that while we may walk different paths, we can still support each other.